#I GUESS. DIDNT REALLY PLAN FOR THIS TO BE A VENT POST BUT HERE WE ARE

[weirdlizard26]

FIRST DAY OF CLASS IM ALREADY SO STRESSED,, HOW TF AM I SUPPOSED TO BOTH WORK AND STUDYDSKNJFGDGD WHY DID I TAKE THAT JOB OFFER FUCK!!!!!!

[whatsnothappening]

I didnt even finish my last entry bc i got stoned and forgot.

Hi. So, it is currently 3:16 in the morning. Well now its 3:17... dude my fuckin brain will focus on one thing only sometimes. What the fuck type dumb ass would i be if i used this entire entry to tell what time it was every time the clock changed. I could really see myself doing that lol. Well, here i am.. up at now... 3:18 😂 I have to open the store tomorrow at 9am. gotta be there 30 min early. (i tell myself that atleast but never do it.) Ill do it, im currently contimplating whether or not i want to just pull an all nighter in hopes that it will reset my sleep schedule because recently i havent been able to get to sleep like a normal person. I swear i get home and sit on the couch and my brain is dead. i cant move. i cant think of things that i need to get done around the house. BUT as soon as my fat ass head hits the pillow... its a mile a SECOND bro. we arnt going by minutes over here. We are on seconds, WE ARE STRUGGLING. But, i will say... the beginning of this year. i have enjoyed myself. i have told myself that i am going to seperate myself from my married life. GRANIT, i AM very much aware that my official married life is VERY new. Howwwwwever, i feel that i have been "married" to this man for many moons. We are just legal now. but i have seen myself become him, hes a great guy. but i am my own person. Now, one thing i told myself i am not going to do is try to become the person i was when i first met him. that person was 17. she was immature. she was broken. she was feral. this girl is still going to be feral. but she is going to be strong, physically and mentally. she is going to take time for herself. she is going to be selfish. she is going to stop blaming herself for not getting things done in a timely manner. I will say recently i have thought about asking my mother to go to therapy with me. i kind of want couples counseling with her. i dont want to have a horrible relationship with her but i feel that when ever i finally move out i wil make sure i dont call. i will make sure i dont come around. but i fear that if i were to ask her to do that with me she would look at me funny and then make me feel awful for even thinking of the idea. I am quite proud of myself here recently. i have started up going to the gym. now i have been having my life long best friend go with me who has been a social crutch because i feel that i would not be able to push myself easily with out him there. but i will get to that point. dont get me wrong i have times where i think that i am pretty. but lets get this straight, i do not care how many body positivity posts you see on the internet when you are creating your avatar for a game or online profile you are not willingly choosing to make your character fat. nobody willingly chooses to be fat. i am self aware that i am never going to be an instagram model. i dont want to be. i dont want to be stared at or be the center of attention. if i was still 17 it would be a different story, that girl is dead. but i have a goal to be comfortable. and feel a little more confident than i do now. i do have one huge fear about losing weight and that is SKIN. i dont want to have random flaps just flapping everywhere. i am horrified of that. but i guess there is always surgery for that. i am not opposed to cosmetic work, i do have my lips done and plan on getting botox or whatever that more earthy option is called. whatever my cosmetic surgeon recommends i absolutely love her. anyways. i think this one is just to ramble i dont really have anything that i want to try to reason with myself on or vent or explain. im just talking, trying to figure out how i am going to handle tomorrow lol. oh by the way its 3:31😘

[dannibals]

This is gonna an excuse for me to write out a messy rusty lake vent post sorry. Also from someone whos vanderboomed pilled dude you are so right. Past within is really cool with the mechanics and art but albert coming back was......a choice. Willaim afton vibes. Albert is a pervert lil creep what the fuck is he gonna do for the plot??? Rusty lake's masterminds should only be the furries get him out of here!!! Bro thinks he's a part of the team. He was a pawn (or knight lol) for crow's plan to revive his brother. that makes albert and the vanderbooms so tragic to me personally. How albert was destined to be the plague of the family and once he filled his purpose it was time for him to die. bro wasn't even the king he was the horse. Him becoming triumphant at the end is >:( let him rot. I swear to god if albert plays a bigger role in the story. Im guessing once the day of the lake is over it'll shift to whatever the fuck rose and albert are planning which I'm not as excited for. I do enjoy the prequel/side stories like white door I feel like rusty lake the company is just polishing its skills to make the most important game the series has been leading to dale arriving to the hotel. But god waiting like 5+ years is roughhhhhh. At least we know now that's the next game.

Rusty lake should stop expanding on the vanderbooms and go into asura society like they clearly have one with the posters on the hotel rooms walls. Why is there 2 rabbits. What the fuck does mr rabbit's letter mean??? substance???? what does this mean for the other eilanders. My underground blossom rant as a laura enjoyer. I kinda wish it never happened? Which is weird because its like paradox....but so much weaker. Both are about the exploration of our main characters about their trauma, the fixation of a missing lady, the traveling of past, present, and future, and their messed up childhoods, nothing really gets added to the plot except us learning that they have great importance to the lake and they shall take over it. Both even have a line about how they're too fucked up to be fixed. Yet I love paradox so much more. UB is just so lack luster from the puzzles and even as an exploration. We get almost actual glimpses of her life and its just ok. Whats so special about her time at school? why did the train travel there? Bob and laura first becoming a couple is important but I feel like it just doesn't pack a punch felt unneeded. Like without it we could just assume they became one after the white door flashback. Paradox just feels so haunting from the past brain to that other brain birthday piece puzzle with Mr rabbit being a secret east egg that pops out at you. Makes Dale's trauma feel so much lack of a better word scary? Laura's one of rose leaving her I just cant feel as connected. Maybe its because laura didnt have a separate game about child lane in cube escape about rose but it just bothers me. Laura for the entire game is like I miss my mother......where did she go.....and it feels like the game is just overcompensating how they never gave laura a reason why shes so depressed until now. Like laura has always been sad about her mother's disappearance. Us not knowing why laura is so ill works better for me. UB is just confusing too I wish they didnt make harvey the guy we play as. Harvey is supposed to stay a bird why is he in his anthro form. Theres the explanation that nothing in UB is real and its sorta like a play. With how we know laura wasn't wearing her cube dress when she broke up with bob. But there's also parts of the game where it feels like it did happen in a train station and AUHHHHH. Perhaps its too much to ask for clarity from this game. I wish they went all out with UB. Wish they touched on being what the reincarnation of your great great uncle is like. One reference of willaim please that isn't in the secret ending. Wish they did lane about laura's paranoia era or show a better progression of laura's mental health. Anyways seasons is a much better game about laura. ALso you're doing god's work of doing david and dale explorations the devs are too scared to make smh /j Fr tho you make me miss the dale storyline

Oh... I saw a post on Reddit about some fans feeling like Rusty Lake is losing its plot with the last few games and it hurt to read cuz it made me realize... Yeah... Kinda. At first I thought "I just didn't care much about the last 2 games cuz they're about the Vanderbooms who I don't really give much of a crap about." But resurrecting characters like Albert out of nowhere and shit is like... Ugh. We didn't need him to come back his story ended fine in Roots. There are other characters who deserved more lore exploration. I'm biased clearly but literally been waiting so long for Mr. rabbit lore that sometimes feels is never gonna come and I'll forever be wondering why he did what he did. How he got there. And what happened to him or where he is now. And the whole two rabbits mystery yada yada yada. Literally one of the most mysterious characters. Seemed to have a plan and his own story happening in the background of Hotel and Birthday..... And then he's just never brought up again except in Dale's memories.

I miss the story being revolved around Dale and his journey to the lake... He's been stuck in that fucking elevator for ages now and I want the story to progress past that. I know they probably are trying to tie loose ends before they progress to that point but sometimes in efforts to do that, they're just muddying an already complicated plot more than it should be.

Like brotha I went on hiatus from the games for a couple of years and came back AND HES STILL IN THE FUCKING ELEVATOR AND LIKE 3 OTHER GAMES CAME OUT AT THAT TIME. The white door was pretty cool I liked the focus on Bob who had little lore before

The past within tho it has a cool concept is when things just started falling apart

I'm stuck hyperfixating on the games up to paradox cuz thats the golden age for the games for me. Everything after Paradox was just... Meh

People might disagree and that's fine. But something is starting to feel different and wrong about the games and I hope I HOPE the next game puts things back on track.

[emo-metalhead-punki]

Hi.....adult life......

And this is the negative art so this is a vent

So here i go....this gonna be long

When i was a kid, i always wanted to be an adult like really bad, so i can live by myself, go everywhere, get a dream job, and get married

But in reality, is not....it not plan that i wanted to be, it got stressful, i used to be happy, a people person, i always talk to people in my class and whenever i go to McDonald's, i feel like i befriended to everyone but something change

When i got in middle school, i got bully like really bad, the classes i go is hard, they were smarter then me, i did friend with girl that also like fnaf like me, and i did move out and went to a different school, but i was scared and start to have anxiety, but there a girl that friended me and her friends as well, which is i was happy as first and then it change again

So me and my friend (crush) used to be best friends, she show me her art but she traced it or copy it from other artist and she still in art school, like how!? I didnt went to art class

But anyway, we got our school laptops and we do roleplay alot, but this roleplay was bad and so mess up and we are both minors

So we do alot of nsfw roleplays and incest roleplay, i didnt start this, is was my friend did, so she was played fell! Sans and i was played his fanchild named blues, and she decided that is a good idea that fell! Sans to touch his child and have s*x, like what!? And i actually like it!

And i began to draw nsfw and incest drawings, and i post here but im glad i deleted them, and my friend hate me for drawing nsfw but she was the one that make me like this not me

In high school, i started to have depression and anxiety cuz i dont wanna make the same mistakes

But i did made a mistake, so around 2018 November, i meet a artist who is in the baldi basic fandom and i tell them that i can talk to them and i got discord, and friended their friends as well

But they become bullies, they bullied me, they always bullied me and they hurt me so much, i was so pissed that i leave the group and blocked them on discord

They are pretty similar to my middle school friends

I made really bad friends, i dont know who's worst, my middle school friends or online friends

But i did made a friend in 2021, but they are so awful, they always joke about school shooting, and they wanted to hurt me if we meet in real life, the worst part that was the most stupidest thing i ever did was, we was gonna give each other stuff that i give my home address and im scared that they will go to my house and my parents will be mad at me that they are a minor

Yea, they are a minor that makes nsfw art and makes sexual jokes

God why my life gotta be so hard, so i decided to not to talk anyone but i still have awesome friends that we can talk

Im glad i have friends like them, they know how to be respectful and share kindness

But im still scared about that one of them will soon hate me and i always over think that people will soon start hating me and if that happened

I might end my life....im still having a had time to talk to people...

And still harm myself....but is life....you do always get that you always wanted....you get pain....always pain...

None of my friend didn't say happy birthday to me on my 16th birthday in 2020, none of them and i dont forgive them, they didnt even say sorry...

But anyway, that was my very bad vent

But i hope my day will be good...i guess...

You can still talk to me

[ronsenburg]

HELPPP THAT FAKE MARRIAGE FIC IDEA IS *SO* GOOD FKSFKKWFKKEFKOEFMKWKFKWKKEKFOSKDME THE THING IS APOLLO HAS LIKE 122203277822 BACKSTORIES BUT THEY DIDNT SPECIFY WHAT THE FUCK WAS ACTUALLY GOING ON THAT WELL SO NOW WE HAVE UNCERTAINTIES ABOUT IT FKKSFKKSFKKSFn anyways I am really curious as to how you would go with how klavier and apollo actually get together in this potential fic. Like do they get fake married after dating?? Do they get fake married before they are even a thing? They dont have to live together necessarily but they are both dumbasses so do they do that? IT HAS SUCH A POTENTIAL VSMMFMEFMW

I thought about this EXTENSIVELY. The story is 14 chapters of varying lengths, each detailing a day leading up to Apollo’s deportation deadline. Here is the outline:

Chapter 1: Apollo’s No Good Horrible Very Bad Day. 

Our story opens with Apollo receiving a phone call early one morning alerting him to the fraudulent nature of his immigration documents. 

“Polllllllllllly,” Trucy whines from the doorway where she stands rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand, “What’s with the Chords of Steel? It’s only seven am!”

Frantic phone calls to Datz, resolving nothing except that it’s a miracle he made it this far in the legal world without someone noticing. 

Phoenix Wright literally thatsroughbuddy.gif around the rim of his coffee mug.

Venting at lunch with Klavier Gavin, who Apollo is sort-of-friends-with and also sort-of-mildly-in-love-with-but-won’t-ever-say-anything-because-how-stupid-is-that :)

Only for Klavier to suggest, with such perfect seriousness and composure that Apollo can’t tell if he’s being messed with, that they get married ala The Proposal (2009) starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. Jokes about prenups and celebrity extravagance are made.

“Think about it,” Klavier replies with the kind of wink that should be considered illegal in most civilized countries.

And, despite his better judgment,  Apollo did, so incessantly that the rest of the day seemed to speed by in a blur of noise and color that barely registered in the distracted recesses of Apollo’s brain. 

Marry Klavier Gavin? Yeah, right. 

Chapter 2: I Guess You Leave Me No Choice

“Okay,” Apollo says, sixteen hours and three moral crises later.

Klavier blinks. “Okay?”

“Let’s do it.” Apollo nods.  “Let’s get married.”

This is how I imagine the proposal goes.

“Well, Forehead? Are you sure you’re ready?”

Chapter 3: Apollo Breaks the News

SKEPTICISMS 

“It would be more convincing for the immigration officials if you were living in my place, ja?”

Klavier sleeps shirtless, Apollo gay panics the first morning when he wanders out of the guestroom :)

Chapter 4: Trucy and Athena Plan A Wedding!

Wow, it sure is difficult to pretend to be in love with someone who is actually your courtroom rival! Especially when your Not-Kid-Sisters are dragging you all over town to pick out things like flowers and table linens!

Definitely should not actually get super into it and have to remind yourself several times that this is all an act!

Chapter 7ish: Maybe This isn’t As Platonic As We Initially Imagined

This post, BUT ALSO THE TAGS SPECIFICALLY which I will copy and paste here for your viewing convenience:

WHAT IF KLAVIER WENT ON A TALK SHOW AND THEY ASKED ABOUT IT????

AND THEN KLAVIER STARTED TO TELL THE STORY OF HOW THEY MET AND WHY HE FELL FOR APOLLO AND ITS ACTUALLY ALL 100% TRUE STUFF?

AND TRUCY CALLS APOLLO OVER ALL ‘OHHHHH YOUR FIANCE IS TALKING ABOUT YOU ON TV~~~~!’

BUT BY THE END APOLLO IS JUST GAPING AT THE SCREEN AND TRUCY HAS THIS SHOCKED LOOK ON HER FACE 

AND ATHENA IS LIKE: ‘Holy shit. Either Prosecutor Gavin is an even better actor than I thought or he's totally actually into you’

and apollo is just like ‘OH.’

but also, later, “no way. he’s klavier gavin. there’s no way. is there...?”

Chapter 9ish: Is it Fair To Go Through With This When You May or May Not Actually Love Your Fake Fiance?

MORE MORAL DILEMMAS!

Mood Matrix Shenanigans???

Anyway, I think right before (and I’m talking right before!) the wedding, Phoenix and Thalassa will break the news. “Gotta be honest with you, kiddo, I didn’t actually think things would go this far.” etc etc etc. But by then, they are actually in love, of course. 

By that time, everyone is already there, everything is set up, it’s beautiful, etc. Apollo goes to call off the wedding and can’t figure out why Klavier’s laugh is so forced and why Apollo feels so empty in the wake of it. 

Can’t decide whether they don’t get married and it’s: 

“Klavier Gavin,” Apollo asks, still down on one knee, “do you want to date me, maybe?

Or, if it’s not just about Apollo anymore, Klavier’s public declarations have them too committed, his image will suffer if they don’t go through with it and it’s:

“So Klavier, marry me, because I think I'd like to actually date you.”

Either way, the epilogue is them getting married for realsies.

And they lived happily ever after, THE END.

[yourfeminist]

All of the asks. If you don't want to answer some that's fine, I'd be interested in all of them ☺️

Hell yeah i’m down! Thank you a lot! Have a nice day or evening! 

zinc white; how are you really feeling today? no one-word answers please!

Well I woke up today and I thought I had to work at 8AM but I didn’t need to work so that kinda sucked. But otherwise then that I’m fine! I need to do a few things today so I look forward to do that! Thanks for asking 

lemon; what’s your comfort food?

Chocolate!

hansa yellow; what’s your guilty pleasure song?

Rich Girl by Daryl Hall & John Oates!

yellow ochre; name an artist/band whom you just discovered & can’t get enough of! 

I recently discovered Billie Eilish and she’s pretty cool. But other than her I don’t remember any new album I listened to

naples yellow; where do you feel most at home?

Well my parents are divorced so ngl at my dads I feel more home because there are a lot of other people and I enjoy that. But when I’m at my moms I really love my room and that feels like home too. So I can’t decide :)

raw sienna; with whom do you feel most at home?

My (girl)friendgroup and one friend specifically that always makes me feel like home. When we are at the same party I always feel less awkward or uncomfortable ( I have social anxiety and sometimes it’s really acting up). So I’m really glad that he has that feeling. 

golden ochre; describe the relationship you have with your closest friend.

We can talk about everything but still we don’t always do. We have a great friendship and sure do love each other but we don’t say things like that to each other. We also see each other pretty often. One of my best friends💕

golden deep; what’s your favorite season?

This anwser always changes but atm It’s spring! I really enjoy the weather where you don’t have to wear a jacket just a hoodie because of the sun! Yup really love that. OH AND everything starts to grow again :)

cadmium orange; what do you like to do on your days off?

Watch youtube video’s, watch a few episodes of a show, reading and mostly relax!

orange lake; do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad?

yup I do but this girl right here is kinda dumb because I never talk to anyone because I have this feeling that when I do I bother other people. And I know I don’t but still I won’t do it haha. But I’m working on it! So if anyone has the same feeling feel free to come to me or ask me how I’m dealing with that.

titans; do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings?

Both! But I prefer evenings a little more. Because then I see my family and friends more ( i know cliche :p)

shakhnazaryan red; are you currently binge-watching anything?

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE!!!!!!(cool cool cool cool cool no doubt no doubt) And I’m watching Teen Wolf for the second time haha

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)?

Right brained!

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it?

Starry Night by Vincent van Gogh! 

english red; what animal do you relate to most?

A CAT!!! LOVE SLEEPING LOVE CUDDLING AND SOMETIMES I LOVE TO BE A GRUMPY FUCK

vermilion; what’s your favorite accent?

Hard one!! I really like Irish ( @bleubelle249SO YOU BETTER HAVE ONE :PPP) and Scottish! But ngl I reaaaally love Australian accents, so hot.

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other?

Nope I don’t mind tbh. But dark hair and dark eyes are plus !

scarlet; describe your current crush/es.

Dark haired, dark eyed 6′2 and his name is Noah Centineo and he doesnt even know I exist :). But other than him I don’t have a crush!

ruby; what does your ideal first date look like?

A walk at a park and maybe picknick and a fun activity and dinner later in the afternoon and for the night a movie! But tbh everything is okay, I’m not that hard to statisfy.

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like?

Anything the other person want to do! 

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date?

Yes I would. I would only kiss someone if they want to (CONSENT KIDS, ITS IMPORTANT) and I also would accept one if I’m comfortable. But there needs to be a connection tho. Otherwise a quick  peck on the cheeks.

rose; what’s something really positive going on in your life right now?

That I’m working on myself to become a healthier (mentally) me.  Because it took waaaaaaaaaaaaay to long.

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to?

My drivers licence! 

violet rose; what does your dream house look like?

A very cozy house. Nice, warm with a library and a lot of plants and flowers! A big garden with both sun and shadow. With a few neighbours. And I would love to live at a dead end next to meadow!

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down?

Somewhere in England, USA or Australia. Maybe somewhere else in Europe, don’t know.

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down?

That I finished college. I’m financial stable and that I worked hard for the things that I have. I don’t like doing things the easy way.

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to?

Český Krumlov in Czech Republic

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it?

A week ago. I just felt good. Don’t have a reason for it.

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember?

That I was dating a collegue who is also a friend. it was a really weird dream but I didnt tell anyone because my friends ship us hahahah

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets? how many of each?

I don’t yet if I want kids (or that my partner does) but if I would have kids I want 3 em. And both a dog and a cat!

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could? Yes I like my name (Anouk) and no I will not give myself a different name because I don’t think an other name will fit me.

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent?

Depends on my mood what it is; like a candle or perfume or deodorant. But probably vanilla, lemongrass and citrus.

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any?

Earl grey!

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant?

SUNFLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!! And a few trees and nice flowers that grow each year.

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog?

yes probably. I secretly would love that haha

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives.

Tall, nice skin, long arms and long legs and my stomach kinda has a sixpack.

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario?

Probably something like this. But with more high grass. And I soflty hear the wind and a few birds chirping.

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better?

80% of my life is! What do I think might make it better? Me. But don’t know how yet.

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them?

1. Italy2. Australia3. New zealand

Yes! They are all three on my bucket list so I will for sure visit them!

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn?

Yes I speak: Dutch, Frisian and a tiny bit of German. And I really want to learn Spanish!

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book?

That’s way to hard for me to choose. So i am not going to give you an anwser :p

olive green; are you currently reading anything? how do you like it so far?

I am reading the Game of Thrones books. Currently reading A Clash of Kings (second one) 

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh?

Coco!! And all the Harry Potter movies!

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself?

Nothing haha

umber; have you drank enough water today?

Not yet! But it’s still morning so don’t worry!

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent? 

I don’t vent a lot. And if I do it’s not a go to person. Probably my dad or anyone else from my family or friends

sepia; name five things that always make you happy.

1. Animals2. When people are happy3. When people are smiling 4. Music!5. Kian and Jc (shout out to them, they are youtubers)

indigo; what’s the best/sweetest compliment you have ever received?

That I’m a very relaxed person to be with. My friends told me that when we had a test I’m made them less nervous. And I really like that.

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic?

Art

black; post a selfie because you are so beautiful!

I would rather not post one but I’ll guess I will post one

There ya go!

Thanks again!

[werewolfwilds]

i redid an ask meme that i had originally done ~3 years ago to see the comparison so for archiving purposes im putting it in a lil journal entry here ! i wanna start doing small journal entries again it was fun when i did that

new answers bolded

1) what images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?

my desktop bg is literally just…. a collage of kageyama manga screencaps a h a,,,, and my cellphone bg are drawings some gay drew me like 74724 years ago :v // my desktop rn is actually a background from one of the dmmd routes LMFAO..... idk which one it is but i’ve always liked those bg pics!! my cell lock screen is p5 art and my bg is leopika

2) have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

nooooope // nah

3) what was your last text message?

my phone is dead so i wouldnt be able to tell you lmfao i dont even remember // it was a gif from kelly lol

4) what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

hopefully working a job i enjoy and making costumes and being happy!! // god i have no idea and it freaks me out... hopefully working,,

5) if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

hoommee ((or at katsucon tbh)) // at the beach with friends maybe

6) what was your coolest halloween costume?

a white cat probably lmao // i dont think ive ever had a particularly exciting halloween costume but one year i was sharpay from high school musical and i think i peaked then tbh

7) what was your favorite 90s show?

uhhhh….. i didnt really… start watching tv until like… the 2000′s so i really cant tell you man lol // spongebob started in 1999 does that coUNT,

8) who was your last kiss?

(answer redacted) // :/ someone should kiss me so i can change this answer lmao

9) have you ever been stood up?

nope //  nah

10) favorite ice cream flavor?

vanilla w/ vanilla oreos ok u need to underst a n d // this hasn’t changed i haven’t had this particular ice cream in a long time but i still stand by it

11) have you been to las vegas?

nahh // nope

12) your favorite pair of shoes?

idk i have these black ones i wear everywhere lol // i have a pair of white sneakers that i refuse to stop wearing now

13) honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other?

i wouldnt even consider it. // no bc i’m not a piece of shit lmao?

14) what is your favorite fruit?

hmmm…. pineapple orrr…. strawberries but only if they’re the really good kind like they have to be perfect // pineapple!!

15) have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself  dating/having sex with? if possible?

….. ye s… yes. // in the past apparently so but thinking about it now nah lol

16) are you into hookups? short or long term relationships?

hookups arent my thing eh i prefer long term relationships altho i cant really say ive been in a “long” term relationship pffff // i don’t think hookups will ever be my thing, emotionally long term relationships are what i’m here for but i’m also a Very Impulsive Person so i cant tell you if this will stay a fact :’)

17) do you smoke? if so, what?

nope dont wanna // no thanks

18) what do you do to get over your anger?

usually talk to people or shout into word // i have to vent about it to someone probably a thousand times even months or years after it happens tbh

19) do you believe in god?

nahh // nah

20) does the person you’re in love with know it?

i aint in love with anyone rn so no? // i’m not in love with anyone.

21) favorite position?

………….. for w hat………. // oh honey lmfao... N/A

22) what’s your horoscope sign?

virgo/ox ovob // Virgo/sun, Aries/moon, Libra/rising and Cancer/midheaven

23) your fears?

literally everything i already named a few so ill name some others… ghh anything in… the ocean or lakes and stuff frightens me and i really dont know why bu tlike…. fish and crabs and jellyfish and seaweed cuz it’s evil and stu f f basically anything that’s not a mammal or turtles or penguins…. lo l im a baby // uncertainty is a big fear of mine and also people being mad at me lmao... as far as physical fears though i have debilitating fears of almost all insects/arachnids and lobsters/shrimp/crawfish :^)))))

24) how many pets do you have? what kind?

two cats and a dog!! // one cat one dog

25) what never fails to turn you on?

i dunno,,/////// // lol neck biting/kissing oof

26) your idea of a perfect first date?

im okay with mostly anything i just really like spending time with the person ; v ; // i’ve never really had an answer for this? thinking about dates has always made me so anxious for whatever reason but i’ll be happy to just spend time with them doing whatever honestly, i’m a super indecisive person aha

27) what is something most people don’t know about you?

i dont really know tbh lmfao // i’ve considered in the past looking into mental conditions (anxiety/bpd/etc) to see if i might have one or two but i never want to say anything about it because i don’t want to self-diagnose anything.

28) what makes you feel the happiest?

nice weather and nice conversations w/ best people u//v//u // nice weather and hanging out with people who are fun and easy to talk to

29) what store do you shop at most often?

does….. arda wigs count or… // does arda wigs still count bc mood lmao but truthfully now it’s probably target

30) how do you feel about oral? giving and/or receiving?

kkdkjsfkjkjfj??fsfj/// go for i t??? i have no problems with i t??? i dont think ill ever be willing to put a dick in my mouth though // these random sexual questions thrown in here are something aren’t they lmao. not going to disclose much but i will stand by the fact that i will not put a dick in my mouth lo l

31) do you believe in karma?

sometimes ye // i believe that people will eventually get what’s coming to them but i don’t believe in karma as a solid concept if that makes sense? like i don’t think it’s guaranteed

32) are you single?

yup yup // yeah it’s been wild lmao

33) do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize?

i think being sincere is the best way to apologize– if you truly mean it the person will know. you dont need to buy your forgiveness. // the best way to apologize is just to apologize sincerely and change your behavior if it’s applicable.

34) are you a good swimmer?

ehh??? im ok i guess– i took swimming lessons as a kid but i havent done legit swimming ever since then lmao,, ive always been best at the backstroke tho yea // i mean i have the ability to swim but i’m not olympic-worthy or anything lmao

35) coffee or tea?

ehhh im not big on either tbh // chocolate milk and you can fight me

36) online shopping or shopping in person?

depends what your shopping for i guess?? online is more relaxed i guess // online probably because shopping in person Gives Me Anxiety

37) would you rather be older or younger than your current age?

ehhh im happy where i am tbh // older

38) cats or dogs?

do not make me choose // cats and dogs* there i fixed it for you

39) are you a competitive person?

ahaa,,,,, oh god yeah,, // OOF yeah

40) do you believe in aliens?

i believe there’s life on other planets somewhere?? so i guess?? // i believe in aliens in the sense that there’s no way we are the only living life forms in the universe but not in the science-fiction way you feel me

41) do you like dancing?

i do but i suck at it lmao // i do but i: A- suck, and B- have no stamina

42) what kind of music to you listen to?

nearly everything tbh // i’m not picky when it comes to music but imma be real w u. almost all of the music on my phone is kpop. seventeen is my favorite group along with astro, and i also enjoy super junior, shinee, red velvet, etc among so many others,,, im pretty wide spread !

43) what is your favorite cartoon character?

i will never be able to pick just one // i’ll literally never be able to answer this

44) where are you from?

philadelphia uvu // philly!

45) eat at home or eat out?

hmmm at home. // at home

46) how much more social are you when you’re drunk?

i never plan on being drunk tyvm // i’ve never consumed alcohol in my life and to be Quite Fucking Honest i want nothing to do with it

47) what was the last thing you bought for yourself?

bracelets ! ; u ; // uh... excluding food and music... earrings i think

48) why do you think your followers follow you?

uhhhhhhh lmfao i have no idea i think… a good amount are for my cosplays at least?? or id like to think so lmfao but i really dont know pfft // my followers have just accumulated and hung around over the years... i know i gained a good amount from my snk days as arlert-the-troops and then through my haikyuu phase, whether it was for my cosplay or other posts that i made... whenever someone follows me now im not entirely sure what its for but i appreciate everyone who’s stuck around!

49) how many hours do you sleep at night?

it’s never regular man // 6-9 (lol) hours is pretty normal for me

50) what worries you most about the future?

everything tbh // the future as a concept worries me lol

[revol-lover]

i am determined to have a good day tomorrow. i'm going to try really hard. we did all our mother's day visits already. my mom was fine today. i think she's on her meds again because she was very subdued. which is good. my husband has something planned for me for tomorrow which makes me happy and is very sweet. so hopefully it will be a good day and i won't cry or get really bummed out. i'm logging out of facebook though. that was triggering last year.

but i guess i will say something. i think i'm growing with my situation with my mom or maybe i'm just a normal human being who knows how to feel bad for people. but basically. my mil, who is usually fine with me, has been kind of weird the last few months. (just a venting shit post below.)

like she's offended that she hasn't been to our house. but she works with the public and started refusing to wear masks around us. so we stopped seeing her for the time being, until she got vaccinated, which she did. but she still hasn't come over because it just hasn't really lined up for it to happen for w/e reason. truly has nothing to do with me, it's not a spiteful thing from my end, we invited them right when we got here and they were like noo wait till the house is ready and idk what that even means and then kevin was so insecure to have his parents over because our house is not perfect by any means. its old and we've had a few minor issues. but his parents are the kind of boomers who don't get it at all. they literally built their working jobs in retail, in the 90. so like mustttttt be nice! but that's literally no ones reality in 2021 so don't try to make me feel like i made any sort of mistake with my house. we're freaking fortunate we could even buy a house. anywayyyyyyyy between that comment and the present day a lot happened so... a visit just never happened. partly, remember, because of their refusal with masks. ANYWAY. all this to say. my mil is new to facebook and she is like..ugh. idk. she doesn't get it. she thinks my mom is competing with her in my fucking profile photo of my daughter and i. like you cant make old lady drama up. my mom commented, "my 2 girls" which yeah. i myself cringed because we have like 0 relationship. but w/e. its a facebook comment. i. dont.care. but i guess my mil felt threatened?? and texted my husband out of the blue and was like i cant stand your mil!! she makes me gag. is she competing with me? and my husband was literally like. ... wut... the fuck..are you even talking about. but he just let it go and didnt give in to her attempt to trash talk my mom for literally no reason. and i felt myself actually feel a little... defensive of MY mother? (this is what i mean by growth lol). because it is ONE thing when she is legitimately coming for someone and being a bitch. yeah. then you can say whatever you want about her. i dont care. but she did nothing. she was not competing with anyone. she posted a comment on a photo. and my mil is interpreting it as competing and i just i cant lol it's STUPID.

the other reason i think i am growing, for feeling bad for her is her and my brother haven't been talking since october. he went no contact for the second time in my niece's life. apparently, they got in an argument where my mom told him he needed to "man up" and she swears up down and sideways that is ALL she said to offend him and he just cut everyone off. like, I don't know what have to do with any of it, but it's just how my brother is. it's his way of coping. when he cuts her out he cuts everyone out. he doesn't reply to my texts (in all fairness I only sent 1 text asking if i could bring my niece her xmas gift and he never responded) which is whatever. we have never had much of a relationship, but i do care about my niece. but i also get it. i cannot do anything about any of this. it has nothing to do with me and if he wants space from everyone then he can have it. i know i can't change him. ALSO I'm high key afraid of him because he struggles with some violent behavior and I'm not going into my whole life story with him but put it this way, i have reason to be afraid of him. i will NOT poke that bear. i love my niece but i am not putting my life or my daughters at risk by trying to make him do anything he doesn't wanna do.

ALL this to say. my dad hasn't given up texting my brother. asking him to talk. asking him to see my niece. etc. my brother finally replied agreeing to go to lunch with my dad. this was last week. but then he changed his mind and last weekend wasnt good. and decided to tell my dad that actually, tomorrow, mothers day, is best for him to go out to lunch with my dad. but he strictly said that my mom cant come and he never wants my niece to see her again. sooo its like... damn. i get it dude. but he really has 0 heart. him and my mom are the exact same. like i get it. i get the boundaries 1000000%. but did it have to be mothers day? i feel like that it was intentional. but i mean... whatever right.i can only feel so bad. she created a lot of her problems herself and i don't believe that one single comment truly set him off. so it's not my life. i stay out of it. but yeah. i do feel a little bad for her.

[ghoulangerlee]

this is a pretty heavy post like, feel free to ignore it bc im just. in a really bad place right now and i need to vent and say things other than ‘im so tired’ because it doesn’t accurately encompass how i actually feel

So, like. 2012? Sometime after my mom died I got into a really bad place mentally, with everything piling up; my shit life, my shit aunt, my shit roommate, just shit after shit, my money kept going to bills, i didnt eat for weeks at a time. 

I was in a really bad place. Like, horrifically bad. Only made worse by my aunt taking me to the hospital and telling the doctors there I was suicidal. To be fair, I was, but being locked in, what’s essentially a cell with a wooden bed? Not Fun. 

I tried getting better, I went to a therapist and a psychiatrist, got on medicine. talk about my problems, tried moving on. 

it didnt work. i felt a sense of uselessness around that time. i was 20 and my mom died less than a year ago. 

i’d been nursing my bad health since i was a kid, and when mom’s diagnosis came when i was 17...it was a lot to handle. and as time went on, my aunt got more distant until it was me, a barely old enough fresh high school graduate, trying to juggle college, full time work and taking care of my sick (and dying) mom. 

two years is a lot of time to have that much pressure put on you. and it does a lot to a person’s psyche when you go from being On at all times, to suddenly, you’re sitting in a hospice, telling your mom it’s okay to rest now. you’ll be fine. 

you start feeling useless, i guess. you just. don’t know what to do anymore. your mom’s gone, you’re out of work for a week to “mourn” but really. you spend the week staring at the wall wondering what you could have done better. 

(the spoiler is, nothing. nothing. death is fucked up. mom knew. the whole time she was going through the stages, making herself okay with the idea of dying. im glad she’s resting now. the last few years of her life were hard. too hard for one woman to handle.)

some could say that my anger and depression and sadness and just emptiness came from grief, maybe. maybe im still not over it. (spoiler: im not). 

i remember, my aunt calling me the day my roommate was in the hospital, i was with her, sitting with her. and i’d called my manager to let him know that i was on my way to work, i shouldn’t be late but if traffic gets bad, then i might be late. 

my aunt calls, yells at me, calls me a lot of names to the point im sobbing in my roommates hospital room. not an uncommon occurrence at that point. my aunt making me cry. i was 20 and my aunt had been doing that for about 10 years at that point. 

my roommate takes the phone, says something i can’t remember to her and hangs up. and then she calls a nurse who takes me aside, sits me down in a room and asks me if i need to leave. if my aunt’s abusing me or hurting me. 

it was a long day at the hospital. and then, later on that night, as im about to take myself to the local hospital to find out what i need in order to see a therapist, my aunt hijacks my plans and drags me there herself. takes me to the ER, tells them she’s worried about her niece’s who’s suicidal. 

and anyway. to make a long story short. i spend a lot of time in this tiny box of a room, with no shoes or pants or shirt. in my underwear and a gown, sitting on a wooden frame bed with no blanket. 

when i finally get my aunt out of the room, and i talk to the psych lady who came down from the ward, she asks me if i need to leave my aunt, asks if my aunt’s hurt me or hit me. 

at the time, i didnt realize that abuse in the context she was asking also meant verbal, mental and emotional. i didnt realize that’s what my aunt was doing until way later. 

the more i talked to a therapist later on, the more i realized that things were messed up. that my aunt’s treatment of me wasn’t right. that my aunt, as a whole, is abusive. 

i was 20 when i tried to commit suicide. 

i dont talk about it ever, because it was a point in my life i’ve been trying hard to forget. 

i was just. so wrung out. my roommate left me with a 300 dollar power bill despite “promising” to pay her share. my landlord kept bothering me about rent even though i’d always remind her when i’d get paid, my aunt wouldn’t stop. and i just felt alone. 

so fucking alone. i was empty and hollow and my house and life were a fucking mess. 

at that point, i’d been trying to think of a way that seemed natural i guess. just. something that no one would realize i’d done it on purpose. 

i didn’t have any money for food, so starving myself seemed like the best option. and so, i didnt eat. for days and then weeks and then months. 

my dumb brain just, thought that, well, ive already got bad stomach problems. my stomach already bleeds. if i don’t eat then the acid just gets worse, it’ll make me bleed. 

didn’t count on passing out during work and being rushed to the ER. 

i lied then and said it was because i didn’t have the money to eat. and so afterwards, my manager and coworkers made sure i ate something. 

but i mean, it wasn’t a glamorous experience. until today, i hadn’t told anyone that me not eating for those months was actually me trying to sabotage my own life. 

but yeah. 

what all this is leading up to is. i feel myself slipping back into that mindset. only this time, i can’t get out of it. i don’t have a therapist, or medication to help. my aunt is on my ass constantly and won’t let me get a job without threatening me homelessness. 

and its tearing me up on the inside. ive been in so much physical pain these past few days. everyday its hard to get out of bed and find the will to do anything.

we had an argument the other day, because i finally couldn’t handle her yelling. i told her how i felt about her and she told me to leave the room. so i went outside. and. fuck. i kept mapping out the quickest way to get to the busy street where all the cars were. if i could just get out there without her seeing then i could just...

when i keep saying im tired, i mean it as, this bone deep i can’t take it anymore tired. the i need to get out of here before something happens to me tired. the i am at the end of my line and if something doesn’t change soon im going to die tired. 

im trying so hard to stay okay. to keep all this in and not bombard people with it. hatching plans and trying to figure out how to get the money to leave. where to go when i do leave. 

but god its so hard. im just so tired.

and i dont know what to do. 

my aunt “paid” me for the last transport and i got 75 dollars. two days of nonstop driving and caring for 16 dogs. 75 dollars. that’s for groceries and my phone bill. and absolutely nothing for savings. 

fuck.

[falling-mist]

This is a vent post to be real (dont rb please?)

So my sister wants me to tell my parents that shes a girl but she hasnt given me a date to do it by and i have no clue how to do it and like of she gave me a date id probs be able to do it but i cant even come out to them so its not great like yeah i told them im probs a lesbian and asexual (even tho they dont believe im ace which is Not Fun to put it lightly) but like my mom went are you not telling us dtuff about your gender and i just went i dont know like technically yeah im totally not telling you thatd id like for you to use they/them as well as she/her pronouns for me but also she/her is ok and sometimes they refer to me as their child instead of their daughter which is cool but like i cannot do it without disconnecting my mouth from my brain and making my mouth spit out the words while my brain goes wtf wtf wtf the entire time Also schoolwork is so bad i dont know when stuff is due and if i watch the class thats one plus and if i take notes thats like amazing and like i used to be good at school but now (mostly cause of the pandemic and living at home) i cant focus on shit right now and i have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow and i have to say i planning on dropping english cause i havent been doing the assignments and most of my classes i have no clue when the homework is due which leads to me forgetting and then not doing it and also i think im dropping out of honors just cause i cant focus in shit Also i thought i had covid like 3 times (all were false some due to allergies, or allergy medication causing my heart to both beat really fast and also give me insomnia or just stress) which did not help the schoolwork at all And my sister is depressed so shes talking about suicide or saying she doesnt want to be here (which might be passively suicidal or suicidal idealization idk) and sometimes saying stuff like you dont care about me or like you shouldnt care about me but i do and its both terrifying and scary that i cant convince her that we all do love her because shes her and not for any other reason and thats shes not annoying or even if she is that doesn’t mean we dont love her and it similar with my grandmother whos living with us except with her she wants to talk politics all the time and shes pro trump so thats a shitshow already and like we try to have a discussion but it always ends with everything you say is false and a lie and you dont love me and im a burden and stuff like that which i get is ingrained in her cause her parents and siblings were basicaly abusive to her but some stuff she says like about my granddad who i never knew but my mom did or my poppop /my poppops family is just blantent lies or just wrong and like she misses my aunt (who died in her final year of college (just like me so im honestly worried that that might happen to me as well) but like she hasnt/cant move on from her but also she compares me to her and i cant argue cause i didnt know her and maybe i am like her but i am my own person and thankfully my mom makes sure i know that but like sometimes im worried she thinks im her or im her ‘reincarnation’ which once again im not and im the ‘golden child’ in her eyes so i can do no wrong despite me saying time and time again that im not perfect i have issues and like some of it is just that im nice to her but also some of that is my parents going help nana and so i do and i guess im ‘naturally kind’ but just im not sunshine im not perfect i just dont show anger well and thus compared to the rest of my family im sunshine but like sometimes its just like whats anger going to do honestly im more likely to despair than to get angry which might say alot about me but :( Theres probably more but this is what i got right now

[monotype-on-phantom]

i didnt want to say this before but man.. Danny kind of.. sucks, at least in the heart of canon. i get that he's young and learns "Those Valuable Lessons" and but people dont acknowledge most of this douchebag's shitty antics cause he's a cute boy or whatever. although Danny has a very excellent premise for a character, he is sincere sometimes, but overall its not executed well. he falls into too many awful high school tropes

i guess im glad people are making use of his character premise by reading too closely than the show intended, or by making content of their own interpretations. but we cant ignore that he is quite a goddamned piece of hell shit who i fucking hate in the real show sometimes. i feel there’s just too much emphasis on a character and show that wasn’t well crafted and well managed to begin with. its kinda sad when all the hate is somehow directed towards other characters like Sam.

it feels like most people are praising him and the overall show for what they imagine it to be instead of what it actually is. srsly this awful goddamned fuckboy sells stuff garage lab items he aint supposed to just to buy some fucking clothes??? uses ghost powers to spy girls in their locker room?? he fuckin destroys ghost writer’s writing and then doesnt feel sorry about it just cause it’s christmas-related and he’s so pissy about it.

so.. yeah. i dont get why people think he’s literal kid Jesus and always wants to protect this little fucker. he puts himself in alot of mess. the “D” on his suit stands for “dick”, bc that’s what he is.  i want to beat him up sometimes

Okay.

Normally, I delete all character hate on sight, because the point of my blog is to focus on the show’s strengths and how the weaknesses could’ve been done better. I get critical sometimes, but I like focusing on a characters’ strengths rather than their poor writing and garbage like that.

This was so long, detailed, and harsh that it’s really hard to ignore. Maybe I should. Stick to my guns and not let some anonymous rant change how I work. You came to me, though, so if you want to debate this, then alright. I’ll bite.

First off, who in the fandom is portraying Danny as a kid Jesus? Maybe it’s just the circles I’m familiar with, but one of the most reblogged posts that pops up in my notifications is one with a ton of additions arguing why Danny totally deserves to suffer. The majority of the fandom loves tormenting this kid. Even those that do say he needs to be protected never claim he has no flaws. Far from it. They just acknowledge he has it hard for a kid and he deserves a break sometimes.

Second, have you ever…met a 14 year old? As someone who spent most of his career life working with kids and who is the oldest of 5 (with one brother who’s turning 14 this November), lemme tell you that the main trio are saints for their age.

People talk about the terrible twos, but 14 year olds are so much worse. I’m not slamming them, because it makes sense. They’re in a tough transition period between childhood and adulthood. Adults tell them to act more mature, but refuse to acknowledge their voices in serious situations. Middle school and high school are cutthroat places, and one mistake can ruin the entirety of the four-six years you spend there. They’re pressured to get good grades or they’ll fail, they have to be part of the cool crowd or they’ll fail, and people are more likely to blame them for whatever goes wrong in their lives than anything that goes on around them.

Doesn’t change the fact that they can be little demons sometimes. With all the hormones and drama, young teenagers can be really emotional and make problems bigger than they seem. They can be harsh and judgmental, because that’s the environment they’re being exposed to. They need guidance, but they don’t want it. They argue with adults and to some, it seems like they want to make their own lives miserable. They can be tough to work with unless you’re willing to take them as seriously as they take themselves, and most people don’t want to bother.

There are shitty things Danny does in canon, but that’s true for literally every fourteen year old. And heck, are you telling me you didn’t do some ridiculously stupid stuff at that age? I actually stole money from my folks to buy something I wanted. My group of friends frequently set stuff on fire in their backyards. And fuck, nobody can prove Danny was spying on girls in the locker room. While I think the scene is shit and refuse to accept it as canon, all we see is Danny coming out of the locker room. He could’ve been just looking to see what it was like in there. Nothing says there were actually girls in there. But I’m so sick of talking about that shit scene, so I’m gonna leave it at that.

Danny has flaws. He can be selfish and petty and inconsiderate. But really? You wanna beat him up for that?

Are you forgetting that he canonically already does get beaten up every single episode? Whether it’s by ghosts, bullies, his own goddam parents, or whatever, getting beat up is something he’s familiar with.

The reason some fans cut him some slack is because, hey, yeah. He is a kid, and you know what? He’s entitled to be a dick sometimes. He loses sleep every night, almost dies on a daily basis, has his dreams ripped away from him often, and is picked on at school. Despite all of that, he still fights ghosts to keep his town safe, and he’s under no obligation to do that. He saves lives, even when people hate him for it. He puts himself in danger, even for those who are cruel to him. He tries to use his powers for the right reason more often than not, and he’ll take the high road against his bully because he feels like he shouldn’t stoop to his level.

We acknowledge that canon can be shit. We acknowledge that sometimes, Danny’s writing makes him out to be a dick. At the “heart of canon,” though, as you so eloquently put it, he’s the kid who risked his life for a little girl he barely knew that nobody else would miss. He’s the one who saves the lives of his own bully, the teacher who used to be so hard on him, and the parents he fully believes would cut him open if they knew what he was. He’s the one who could so easily be Vlad, but instead he tries his best to be a hero.

You’re under no obligation to like him, and you don’t have to ignore the shitty parts of canon like some of us do. I do it just because I enjoy thinking about what the show could’ve been, not what it was. You don’t have to do that, though.

But really, are you going to march into your nearest high school and beat the shit out of the first kid you see messing up? Seriously? You honestly think that the mistakes Danny makes outweigh the good he’s constantly trying to do enough that he deserves that? Even when he already gets beat up in every single episode already?

Well, fine. That’s your pessimistic opinion. It’s not fact, though. How many cartoons do you watch? You gonna beat up Timmy Turner and Jimmy Neutron, too? They can be right assholes. What about Jake Long? He’s a shallow, obnoxious, irresponsible kid a lot of the time. Sure, he’s just 13, but why should we show mercy to kids who mess up? Serena/Usagi from Sailor Moon? Yeah, let’s ignore all the people defending her and just focus on the fact that the show makes her a dumb kid who doesn’t have enough backbone to immediately become the savior of the galaxy. Come to think of it, where’s your rant about Dash Baxter? Or is he not popular enough for you to rag on?

Perfect characters aren’t the ones who are the most upstanding. They’re the ones who are realistic and flawed. So Danny sells his parents stuff. So he sneaked into the girls’ locker room. So he took out his anger on an innocent person.

I’m not saying any of those things weren’t wrong, what I’m saying is that kids make fucking mistakes. And sometimes, they’re huge ones. Sometimes, kids get curious and break into a house. Sometimes they get hungry at the store and shoplift. Sometimes they lie and cheat and make fun of each other. Sometimes they can be perverted little leaches.

So fucking what? We’ve all been there. We all need to learn and grow.

And seriously, if you’re going to be one of those people who gives Sam a break, don’t turn around and start criticizing Danny for the same shitty writing he sometimes gets. That hypocrisy is exactly why I so adamantly defend Sam.

I don’t know what you wanted to accomplish with these asks. Maybe you just wanted to vent. Maybe you were looking to stir up drama. Maybe you don’t know what you wanted and you just sent these asks randomly without any real reason.

Regardless of what you think, I’m still gonna enjoy my fucking fictional character, even if I don’t always agree with how he’s written. I relate to him, his struggles, and even his mistakes. You have fun ripping on characters people like because you don’t think they should be allowed to make mistakes, but let the rest of us have our fun, too. You’re not helping anyone with this, so maybe just fuck off, m’kay?

Being stupidly nice is kind of my thing, but I’m tired of putting up with this self righteous crap. Let characters fuck up. Let fans rewrite things they don’t like. Let people enjoy their fucking cartoon, because they aren’t hurting anyone. I’ve yet to find a single phan who considers the DP cartoon to be completely canon anyway. They enjoy it for the fan content or the few really spot on episodes. We’re already aware that there’s shitty stuff in there, and we don’t need you to tell us.

If I ever get any asks like this that rip on characters for stupid, petty reasons again, I’m deleting them on sight. That was my initial plan anyway, but I really needed to say my piece here.

Tumblr, maybe stop being such judgmental pieces of fucking shit, okay? You’ll accomplish nothing good by being so harsh toward anything that doesn’t fit your standard of “perfect.”

[zenyattasperceptrons]

competitive-potato-farmer replied to your post: social question: exactly how much of a faux pas is...

this varies from culture to culture. as an american, here’s my understanding: if it’s a close friend, it shouldn’t be a faux pas at all. if it’s more of a friendly acquaintance, you might say “well, it wasn’t the best. how was yours?” and then the other person has the option to ask for details or not.

alternatively, if it was really bad and you dearly want to vent about all the terrible happenings, you might say, “it was awful, honestly. do you have five minutes for me to tell you about it?”

as i said, this is just my experience in the united states (and even then, it may vary from region to region -america is a melting pot!). in germany, for example, a person asks you how you are with the expectation that you will give them an honest answer, and they’ll do the same when you ask them.

so, (sorry for talking so much!!) how was your weekend?

why cant we all be germans

thats a good script tho i will...keep it in my pocket. idk just generally when someone asks i automatically go for “oh, it was okay” but im really bad at lying so sometimes it comes out as like [SIGHS HEAVILY, VOICE SHAKES] “it was alright, i GUESS” and then theyre just sitting there like. OH...UH... like tbh if you dont Really Want To Know id rather ppl just didnt ask. tho i guess generally the idea is they do want to know, they just expect the answer to be like “oh it was pretty good, hung out with some friends and saw a movie. wbu?” instead of like “o terrible, i was stuck deep in a depressive rut. wbu?”

but yea. thank you for your answer i do genuinely want to get an explanation when i ask these things

& the weekend is still young but its been a garbage trash fire so far. i think its getting better though. i have a Plan(TM)

[saintkimora]

ok, here is a full account of what happened yesterday and the new events from today. caleb if you are seeing this please respect my privacy and stop reading now 

ok so it started the other day. caleb texted me at night saying he wanted to talk to me about something serious the next day. i asked what it was about and he said he just wanted to be friends but i didnt read too much into it bc he is impulsive so i figured he would come to his senses the next day

so then yesterday happened. i had just gotten out of sociology at like 10:40am and i saw that he had texted me all these things about breaking up. then when i got to my car he called me on the phone. he then proceeded to break up with me over the phone. his reasoning was that since hes prob moving in a few weeks, he wanted to stop being boyfriends now that way when he does leave itll hurt less than it would, so like easing himself out of the relationship basically. i think its a stupid idea 

so these are the issues i had. the first was that he broke up with me over the phone, not even in person. and like i was crying over the phone and his tone was just like very cold and detached and business like and that really hurt me bc he obv knew i was crying but i didnt feel any sympathy from him whatsoever. like if he was crying i would obv be comforting him and trying to make him feel better not talking like a robot. another thing that hurt was that he gave up on the long distance relationship before we could even try it. it made me feel like i was so worthless and unimportant that he didnt even feel like putting forth the effort to make our relationship work. and the fact that he did this all over a 10 minute phone call on his way to the gym. and then like 20 min after he had the NERVE to post a video on his snap story of him at the gym saying “feeling so good *blushing smile emoji*” like that really hurt my feelings and when i told him that later he was like “oh stop making everything about you it was just how i was feeling after working out” but like? i know he obv wasnt saying that he felt so good about breaking up. but what bothered me was that like after he broke up w me, i was a mess i was literally crying all day and i couldnt do anything but cry i was so upset. and then here he is just going on with his day like its another normal tuesday. like the fact that he was capable of being so happy not even a few hours after breaking my heart made me feel like i was nothing, like it was just an errand like “oh im gonna break up with perry then go to the gym lol” and the fact that he did it over the phone just made me feel so insignificant like i was nothing to him and that really hurt. and like ive tried to be the best boyfriend i can be for him and i try to do everything he asks of me so for him to just break up with me in such a dismissive way makes it feel like he doesnt even care

so i was crying in my car, like really bad like i was BAWLING. so i went to the student counseling center and asked for a crisis meeting and i got set up w this counselor named josh. he was nice and tried to help me calm down and focus on orgo. it was nice to have someone to talk to i guess

so then i went home. he called me again to like try to explain himself but only made me feel worse. he was like “you know when i move im not gonna be able to see you everyday and cuddle with you and fall asleep on your chest anymore” and that just made me sadder and i was crying again on the phone. then later we were texting and he was like denying breaking up with me. like, you said you wanted to just be friends and you explicitly said that you didnt want to be boyfriends anymore so how is that not breaking up??? and he said “i was trying to have a conversation with you but all you did was cry.” with the period to show how serious he was. and it really hurt me when he said that bc it felt like he was mad at me and using me crying against me, like i somehow did something wrong by crying. again if he was the one crying i would not be holding it against him like that so i really wish he didnt say that bc it made me feel bad for being emotional which should not be something to feel bad about. and at the end of the call he didnt say i love you like he always does so that hurt my feelings as well

and like i took away the hearts from his contact name and changed my phone backgrounds since they were pictures of him and that just made me really sad

i skipped psych and anatomy lecture but i couldnt skip my anatomy practical. i cried when i was backing up my car to leave bc i saw the “hi <3″ that he wrote in the dirt on my back windshield a while ago and it just set me off. so i got to school and i was planning on having this be the dropped grade so i wasnt like worried but i got a 90 anyways so that was nice. the prof was like “perry whats wrong you look depressed” and i was like im just a little sad today and he was like why and i was like “bc my significant other broke up w me” (i used s/o bc idk how my prof is about those things so i didnt wanna say bf). he told me this story about how in his senior year of college he had such bad mono it was misdiagnosed as hodgkins disease so he was given 18 months to live and his gf of 4 years left him after finding out. so he told me “perry, girls are like a bus. if you miss one, another one will come along in 15 minutes. if i had daughters i would tell them the same thing about guys” so that was nice that he tried to cheer me up. then when i was leaving from the other room (bc we leave our stuff in the other room during the practical) the TA came to me from the main room and wished me luck on my finals so that was nice of him 

so then i went home. then at 10pm i met w caleb in person in his car. we talked and at first he would not let me get a word in and he just kept defending himself and what also upset me was that he thought the reason i was so upset was that he was moving and he was so defensive like “i wish i could stay here but i have no choice i cant afford to live here its too expensive” and like that is not what upset me!!! i already knew he was moving ive had time to accept it what upset me was how he broke up w me for no reason w almost no warning and did it in such a cold way. and like the way i see it is since hes leaving instead of easing ourselves out of the relationship to stop us from getting hurt when he actually leaves (which wont happen bc itll hurt regardless), i figured we should make the most of our time together and enjoy each other as much as possible since we’ll have plenty of time to get over each other AFTER he moves. so when i told him my point of view he was like “i wish i thought of it like that, im really bad at this” so that was how i resolved the issue. he was hesitant about keeping the bf label but i told im i really wanted to and i didnt see a point in taking away the label now anyways. i also told him i at least wanted to try long distance instead of giving up before it even happens. i dont remember what he said to it though lol i was too emotional. but yeah the beginning of the convo just felt like he was berating me and i started to cry again bc i dont like it when hes rude to me like that

then he told me that im so sensitive i could see a squirrel in the road and cry and i had to explain to him that i am not a sensitive and emotional person! im normally v reserved w my emotions like ive only cried maybe 3 times the past 8 years and that im just emotional when it comes to him bc i care about him so much

another thing that bothered me was that he said every relationship teaches a lesson, and from ours he learned not to rush into things. i dont get that bc yes we did rush but that wasnt really a bad thing? like he wouldve moved regardless so taking things slow wouldnt have changed that. and like since we rushed into things it will hurt more when he leaves since we are closer than we would be if we took it slow but also like, if we didnt rush we wouldnt have gotten so close and had so much fun together in the first place. so imo the benefits of getting so close so fast vastly outweighed the pain of him leaving

so everything would be great except for this next part. he told me the easing out of the relationship thing was bc he got the advice to do that from his mom and leeann. so when i got home i made a post calling leeann toxic and his mom stupid for interfering in our relationship. and like yall can tell that obv i was kidding and just exaggerating for humorous effect like i dont really think his mom is stupid or that leeann was toxic, just that their advice in the situation was bad. but caleb texted me this morning being so rude calling me disgustingly disrespectful for saying that and he said that “next time you think about doing this remember how it felt when i dumped you (so he admitted that he did dump me) - and get those tissues ready” (since ive been using a lot of tissues since i was crying so much). that really really hurt my feelings bc 1. he is once again using me crying against me and 2. it shows a total lack of sympathy for me crying, like it felt like hell yesterday i was so upset and he knows that so for him to threaten to put me through that again just shows he doesnt really care about me or my feelings. 

he also said i need to stop using him and leeann and his mom as “characters in your online stories” like...these arent online stories? this blog is where i vent and talk about my feelings since i dont have anyone to do that with irl and i need to get them out somewhere im not writing these posts to be mean it just feels good to put my thoughts into words instead of bottling them up and even my therapist thinks its a good thing for me to do  

so he said that but i was NOT having it. i typed up a long text in response and even i admit it was kinda mean. like in his he said “dont even talk to me for the rest of the day” so at the end of my text i said “dont talk to me ever i am perfectly fine w never talking to you again the rest of my life so bye have fun in new hampshire or whatever” and he was like “perry stop you dont mean that last part” and then he called me and once again got defensive he said he was just trying to have a convo w me and i was being aggressive for no reason. like, no??? a convo would have been texting me like “perry i know its your personal blog where you post your feelings but this post upset me and this is why” not coming at me with 4 super rude texts out of nowhere. so he was trying to play the victim and paint me as irrational and that im overreacting just like he did yesterday and i didnt like it! he was just dismissing my feelings again. so i went OFF in this phone call like wow i really snapped and it felt good tbh

like i think he was just expecting me to sit there and take it and apologize like i usually do when he gets like this but i am done doing that! so i think he was caught off guard that i stood up for myself. i was like caleb i really dont care i have the most important orgo test of the semester today you already took yesterday from me but today i am not entertaining it if you have an issue call me after my test” and i ended the convo and hung up and then he texted me “good luck on your test” like ok hi king of passive aggressiveness 

so thats it. i felt good at first but later on i felt bad so i texted him apologizing for snapping at him but i said i wont discuss the tumblr issue until we are in person. i asked if he was free tonight and he said no he wants a day or two to be separate and normally i would understand but like...hes moving in a few weeks i really dont want to waste time fighting and being in this weird place

not to be out of order but another thing that got on my nerves was when we made up last night. he said “once i move youll have more free time for things like school, work, maybe going to the gym” like once again here he is commenting on my appearance! like yes i know im scrawny and i wish i wasnt but im sick of him taking jabs at my looks like my body, acne, and eyebrows when i literally have NOTHING but nice things to say about how he looks. it makes me feel bad when he points out my flaws like that and a good boyfriend is not supposed to make me feel like that

now for the most recent development. leeann sent me this LONG fb message bc caleb told her what i posted about her. like why does he have to expose me like that! i didnt read the message i was like “yeah im not reading this but just so you know i was kidding i wasnt serious i was exaggerating lol” and she was like ok lol 

i just dont know why she thinks i care about her input on MY relationship? like youre calebs friend not mine to be frank i dont give a fuck what you think about whats best for my relationship like you dont know me so mind your business

and thats another thing. in the past caleb has gotten pissed at me for sharing our business too much (by telling my friends (who he will literally never meet since they all went away for school) and by posting on here) yet here he goes telling leeann everything! seems hypocritical to me

and heres a second thing. i have always told caleb that my blog is my personal space where i can safely vent and talk about my feelings and that he should respect my privacy by not reading my personal posts. and ive told him that if he does wanna read them then hes doing so at his own risk bc im not going to filter myself bc this is MY space not his so if he really wants to overstep his boundaries and look at my posts then he cant get mad at me for them bc HE is the one choosing to read them even after my warning! so i dont think he should be getting mad at me especially when i was in such an extreme state of mind yesterday since he put me through the worst day of my life for no reason which literally couldve been 100% avoided if he had just waited to talk to me in person instead of breaking up w me over the phone. and like now i feel like this isnt even a space place for me to express myself anymore since theres a chance of him seeing. and i tried blocking him before but he made a new blog and wont tell me the url so i cant block him smh

so yeah thats everything that happened. im kinda stressed rn w this whole leeann drama even though he shouldnt have been reading my posts in the first place. like its just so much drama and i dont like how it feels and idk why this relationship turned sour so fast and i wish he would just be nice and sweet to me again. so hopefully things get better 

[datingadviceonreddit]

This is a bit of a hybrid post that's both for me to vent my frustrations and to frame this experience in a constructive manner. My date and I are both in our early 20's and fresh out of college. So last week I had the best date of my life, not that I've had a ton of them haha but I still think it's worth noting. We agreed to grab drinks in the evening. I arrived first and upon her arrival, my date gave me a firm hug. When she sat down I realized that she was even more gorgeous in person. It's just immediate spark you get with someone - and I was absolutely smitten. We had texted briefly over the past week and had a number of uncanny similarities and interests.I became absorbed by that time warp where the minutes just melt away and the person in front of you is the most interesting person in the world. I couldn't believe it - it felt like things were really coming together in a cathartic way. My date and I were tuned in to the same frequency, and it felt like we just "got" each other. We cut ourselves off after two drinks and decided to ride our bikes around for a bit. Mind you, this was her idea - she had to work early and didnt want to be hurting at work. I'm a cyclist and the fact she also rode her bike to the bar was incredibly attractive.After our ride we stopped off in this secluded park where we cuddled and eventually made out a couple of times. I was shocked when she made the first move, and asked to kiss me. We rode back to her apartment (I needed some water) and I waited outside while she grabbed it as to not disturb her roommate. There on the sidewalk we chatted and kissed some more. Finally as I was leaving, she threw herself into my arms again and gave me yet another kiss. We had talked about tentative plans to hang out when I got back to town after Labor Day. She told me two separate times that she'd "invite me in" and that "tonight's just not the night." In total our date lasted 3 hours. Riding home that night I was absolutely tickled pink.Cut to yesterday when I texted her to make plans for our next date. After an agonizing wait she responded to me and basically said that she doesn't plan on seeing me again. Im thankful that she at least didn't ghost me - but this has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me.This experience has clarified that I really desire a relationship on a profound level. I'm at the point in my dating life where I'll take what I can get. Casual flings are nice to take care of other needs, yet i'd prefer something meaningful. I'm left here scratching my head after this one. There are infinite variables but my guess is that this girl just isn't ready to be in a relationship at the moment, and that it has nothing to do with me. Perhaps we were looking for different things?I love the solidarity that I find on this sub, and I hope my experience can add to the community in some way. Thanks for your time folks! via /r/dating_advice

[shewhisper-blog]

071818 (part one, long)

hey, update time. suppose there's a lot to cover.

ill start firstly with why it's been so long since an entry. guess i thought i was getting better, didnt need somewhere to vent/log and keep track of this stuff, but thats not the case. i guess the thoughts of suicide had mostly subsided, and i was on an uphill. i think things are still generally okay, but im just not as good as i thought i was. its okay though, since ill try coming back here again.

---

social life update, no good news. the closest to good news would be just that im talking to sam a bit more?

a few weeks back, a rapper by the name of XXXTENTACION was killed, and the news spread all over the internet. i didnt follow the guy, but i knew he was someone important to many people, and said "rest in peace" on my profile. comments surfaced. apparently he had a history of violence and abuse. i deleted the comments to avoid further drama, since that wasn't the point. but liz had said a certain something on it so i confronted her about it.

she immediately attacked me in our pms because of her view on the guy. it got to a point where some awful things got said, like: (not exact words, but very close)

[on the topic of me saying x tried to change, forgive]

liz : *** doesnt think lightly/forgive people who are abusive

me : and? what about my past with **** and ** ***?

liz : so?

i asked why im excluded despite having valid reason and history for my feelings, and she ignored me.

///

liz : whatever, he's dead now. he'll be forgotten.

me : wait i can't believe you just said that

liz : (ignores me, continues)

me : liz i cant believe you just said that

liz : (partially ignores, continues)

i tried to get her to realize what she had said and take it back, because she should know how serious the topic of death is for me. i tried to explain that many people might've hated x, but people still loved x too. but she insisted that either way, because of his history, he'd be forgotten. she wouldn't take it back.

i had no way of getting through to her. everything I said got brushed off. i blocked her, everywhere. and cancelled all plans i had that night.

all i could think was "whoever viewed me as a villian with what happened between josh and i, what if their views spread after i die? am i more forgettable? would i be forgotten no matter who was on my side before?". i wouldn't have a side anymore. id be gone.

even all the times that i tried to think of my suicide and how to leave things on a good note when i leave, it made me think that it doesn't matter who i say i love or how much, theyd forget it if one person though otherwise. and i would really be nothing more than some awful memory to those i loved.

it was the first time liz has ever been the cause of an attack. thoughts of self harm were constant, and vivid images of my own death were always playing in my mind.

the stupidest shit happens when you let your emotions take over. and when i realized that the next day, i wanted to talk to her face to face and really sort it out. i needed to know if thats what she thought. it wasn't about X anymore, it hardly was in the first place. it was about her view.

i went and bought a ring, waited for about twenty minutes outside of her work, and apologized on one knee. i thought i maybe took it too far by blocking her, but explained that i didn't have any other way of getting through to her.

we sat in the car, and i tried to talk with her about it. and she barely listened. i tried calmly, firmly, quoted her words, gave her time to talk. explained it wasn't even about X. after all that she was still fighting me, barely listening to me talk. and so one last time, after she was about as calm as she could get, i asked her just for a yes or no, if that was what she really thought. and no matter her answer, i wouldnt hate her. i just needed to know.

i had to egg her on constantly to get even somewhat of an answer. she hid her response, muffled it, joked about it, on and on. half assing it. after another ten minutes of it I got really close, sat right under her face and said "I need an actual answer. with your words."

i looked right at her, and barely with a whisper did she give me her answer. she didn't even look me in the eye until after. even though i explained and showed how important it was that tell me this. that she "loses on argument" or "backs down"..

after all that, i got one word spoken barely at a whisper, and she didn't even look me in the eyes. I can only think she only said it because i wanted her to, not because it was her answer.

after that, i just let it go, and said thank you as if i was satisfied. i know she is going through a tough time, and shes emotional and moody and whatever else. but i sat there for a whole hour for her to not even really hear me.

the trust i had with her is broken. the number of people i am truly safe with is now just three.

((continued in next post))

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.